Journal #3: Venting

I don't even know where to start. There's so many things that I wanted to tell you over the years. I mean, I love you.. But.. Haw, never mind. Maybe things would've been different If mom were still alive. Maybe things wouldn't be this way, that I wouldn't feel this way towards you. When I was younger, I was a good girl. I was nice to everyone. The ones who I lived under the same roof with were the only ones who knew I was a brat. Other than that, I was a good kid growing up. At least from the times you did spend time with me, you knew I was a good kid. I know I was just a baby when mom died. And even though you tried explaining yourself to me, I don't know why I still feel this way towards you. Growing up, I've dealt with everything in a good way. I still remember the day I went with grandma and grandpa to this big building. I just followed them to this small room with chairs surrounding a guy sitting in the very middle of us. I wasn't really paying attention to the day I was adopted. I was just a kid, and I didn't know a lot of things. But don't worry, I understand that those were things that I was still too young to understand those kind of things. I remember the many girlfriends you had. There was this one day that I came home and found you sitting outside with your girlfriend, and you asked me something that I didn't know how to respond to. You asked her how I would feel if she were to be my mom. I looked at you, and looked at your girlfriend looking back up at me smiling from ear to ear. I saw how happy you were, so I lied and said that I would be happy with that. What bothered me was that you asked me right in front of her, and turns out.. you already proposed to her. I tried my very best not to get mad. Things went wrong and she left you. I had no idea why, but I kept my mouth shut. I knew it wasn't my place to approach you with those kind of questions. I was very quiet when I was younger. I'm growing up dad. I'm almost fifteen now. Its kinda sad.. sad that I feel the way that I do towards you. I've grown up most of my life without you, and I think I'm better off without you trying to interfere. Well, interfere seems kinda harsh. Um, maybe it would be better if I said that I appreciate that you're trying to become a part of my life, but I'm sick and tired of everyone being on my *** all the time! I've grown up learning to lie. And you want to know how? I've grown up learning to lie to you dad. It's become a bad habit, lying. I've always lied to you.. JUST TO MAKE YOU HAPPY. I was never happy with your girlfriends. I didn't want anyone to replace my mom. I don't even know if you knew how I felt about everything.. If you could even see the look in my eyes that I really wasn't fine with you seeing other women. You want me to be your friend, but I can't. I really cant. You're not a friend to me. Nor are you like my brother or uncle. You're like a stranger to me dad.. a STRANGER! And that's whats sad. Why do you think I act the way I do. It's too late dad. WAAAAAY TOO LATE. You were always there in my life as I was growing up, but not as the role you were supposed to play. I love you daddy, I really do. But you need to understand that you guys can't always be on me like this. I'm still growing up, I'm making mistakes that I know pisses you off. But I want to learn on my own. That's what I've spent my life doing during my childhood. It pisses me off to have a stranger come into my life telling me what to do and scolding me. Things are just to complicated dad. I can't be your friend because if I try to tell you everything.. You're only gonna get mad. And that's when the fatherly part of you comes in. Once again, I'm not comfortable with a stranger acting as my father. I'm truly sorry if this hurts your feelings, but if you want to be my friend dad.. You need to listen to me. You need to take in what I have to say and try to understand even if its things you don't want to hear. I'm getting sick of everything at home! You guys don't know what I've gone through in my life. And its kinda too late to inform you guys now. I'm sad to say that I'm growing up and away from my family. I've been screwed over by so many people that I'm having a hard time trusting people. I can't even trust my own family. Mama thinks I'm psycho and you all think I'm stupid. I'm NOT PSYCHO! I can't f...... talk to anyone at home that I'm actually comfortable with! You all make me feel like I'm stupid when you nag on me. UGH! I'm getting frustrated and irritated just trying to explain myself. I can't talk to you guys about this stuff.. There's too much to say. You know what, I'm done venting for now. I absolutely HATE trying to explain myself because no one ever FULLY understands me. This is going to be the longest three years of my life. I can't wait until I turn 18. The adoption will be over, and I'll be old enough to finally speak to you as an adult because you guys definitely don't hear me as a child. I'm afraid that if this keeps up, I won't talk to you guys ever again..