COLLEGE ESSAY DRAFT
Roses are one of God's most beautiful creations. Its amazing how they form and grow out to become. There are so many varieties of colors and types that people use for special occasions such as weddings. The varying colors of roses represents my many moods. Yellow reminds me of happiness, white is melancholy and red reminds me of romance. Though they may look harmless, you need to be careful with the way you approach them before you get poked by one of their thorns. If you approach me in an inappropriate way, a side of me will come out that will sting like a bee. I am simple, yet complex and that's why a rose resembles my personality perfectly.
All roses were once nothing more than a bud in the process of growing into something extravagant. My family and friends are my rose bush. They're everything to me and without them, I wouldn't have become the person I am today. They keep me stable and try to help me in any way possible in their abilities. My family has been there from the beginning and are still here to this very day. Though friends come and go as the wilting stem of a dying rose, My family will always be there for me, helping me to rejuvenate myself and grow stronger and more radiant that I was before. I know that my family will have my back until the very end regardless of all the asperity we face.
Support is one of the vital things needed in a child's life growing up. When the rose bush is stimulated by the cool temperatures of the fall season, the color of the rose blooms itself are intensified. I prefer the cool and breezy weather of the fall and winter seasons over the hot, humid, blazing summer days. My self esteem is boosted higher when I get support in the things I do from my friends and family. That's when my colors truly shine and my confidence makes me even more beautiful on the inside. But unlike roses, my friends and family's support never dies during this long lasting blooming period of my life.
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Dary,
ReplyDeleteI really liked your essay. It has so much voice, and it really breaks down who you are. I also like your sentence fluency, like when you used words like "extravagant" or "asperity". Overall I think your essay was really good all I would say is to repharse some of your sentences, but other than that it's really good.
-Marissa
Dary, your essay was very interesting to read. I like how you compared yourself to the features of many different roses and the process if growing.Your word choice was excellent! You didn’t use too much common words, you took that extra step and you chose the right words.Your essay was very detailed and I liked how it was structured. GOOD JOB :)
ReplyDelete-Desha Garcia
Hi Daryenne,
ReplyDelete*chuckle* I like the picture on your blog ;>
As far as your essay, the comparison to the rose works nicely, but you need more specifics to support the different comparisons. You also want to be sure that you don't drift into cliche as you are doing the comparison because so many songs, poems, greeting cards, have made that comparison before. Specific examples from your life would help to lessen the chances of becoming cliche.
Also watch the consistency of your comparison. If you're talking about thorns, you should not swtich it to "sting" later in the piece.
As far as the commentary, Marissa and Desha, you have to be much more specific in your comments. Just like good writing, good commentary requires specific examples of whatever you are saying. What sentences need to be "rephrased"? How was the essay structured? What were the good details? Having to find specific examples will make your critique more accurate. On this one, you missed some important areas Daryenne needs to revise.
mrs s